"I have to do me"

"We have known for a long time that as long as human beings are capable of creativity, human conduct cannot be predicted" (Pinar, p. 107).
I would love for teaching to come with a checklist. As I have stated before, I am a product of detailed syllabi, hours-long test preps, and formulaic thinking. That is what many of my classes consisted of as I grew up, and it is definitely my comfort zone. I like to be given clear directions and guidelines, and I can follow those directions to the exact specifications of whoever is giving them to me... Unfortunately (or rather, fortunately) that is not at all how teaching works! As Pinar states in  What is Curriculum Theory?, as long as our students are capable of creativity, we as educators cannot predict how their minds will work or what knowledge will be considered most important to them.
I was challenged yet again this week. As I said in class, I feel as though I leave class every Tuesday night convinced that I need to change absolutely everything about my teaching in order to be that inspirational teacher I so desire to be. I want to be innovative and creative and thought provoking and interesting and challenging and caring and organized and passionate and inspiring... and all of these things that it is honestly impossible to be all at once, especially in my first few years of teaching. Yet here I sit, the girl who could always follow a checklist, and I am trying to fulfill what I think the "perfect teacher" checklist entails.
I so appreciated the discussion we had in class because I think that it finally put to rest some of the haunting thoughts I leave class with every week that I am not good enough and that I will never be "that teacher." The conversation centered around "Just doing you." I don't have to be the overly dramatized "Freedom Writers" teacher or the veteran teacher who seems to have it all together or the artistic teacher who is busting at the seams with creative ideas. I just have to be me. Every teacher who spoke in our class this week inspired me because I have looked at each and every teacher in our class as someone who I would like to teach like; however, all of them said the same thing..."I have to do me." I have to stop trying to figure out the "how to teach well formula" because it does not exist. Just as I have to allow my students to be themselves and to explore that which interests them, I have to allow myself to do the same. I have to stop feeling like I have to fit a certain mold or teach a certain way in order for my students to learn. I simply have to be willing to be myself, pour every ounce of passion I have for education into my job, and invite my students along for the adventure that is teaching and learning.
I want to show my students that I am learning alongside them and I am committed to change and challenge just as I would like them to be. I am excited this week because I am starting to make changes to my curriculum that I think will be beneficial to my students and will help them learn more than they have been learning. To be completely honest, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing, but I know that if I continue to shift things little by little, I will begin to feel like I have a better grasp on this thing called teaching. And as I make these little changes, I am slowly putting my stamp on the curriculum, and I am slowly but surely learning how to "do me."